Thursday, October 9, 2014

Throwback Thursday/Flashback Friday

I visited the dentist.
I ate lunch with my mother in law.
I was 9 months pregnant.
I was having contractions.
I was so excited to meet our baby boy.
And now, a whole year later,
That's it.
I cannot believe it.
In some ways I am very happy.
It was a rough year.
It was a tiring year.
We all yelled, screamed, and cried.
Sometimes at each other.
Sometimes at no one.
Some of us did not sleep much.
I did not sleep much.
So I am happy that we made it through.
That sleepless nights are on their way out.
That having to schedule around naps and feedings is over.
But in other ways I am very sad.
Our baby boy is not a little baby anymore.
He rarely snuggles.
He stopped nursing months ago and my milk dried up.
He is ready to walk, to run.
And I'm afraid I don't know him.
I know Audrey so well.
When she turned one, I knew her so well.
We had spent so much time together.
Nursing together.
Cuddling together.
Sleeping side by side.
But Evan is just out there on  his own sometimes.
Not with his mama.
He sleeps in the pack-n-play in the den.
Like he's an afterthought.
Or like we didn't make space for him.
Audrey talks and we listen.
Evan talks and we have no idea what he's saying.
We put him to bed early.
We rush him off to school.
We put him in the car seat, the stroller.
He's a happy guy, but maybe not because of us.
Not because of me.
And this makes me sad.
Makes me wish I stayed home with him more.
Wish I didn't work.
Wish I only had one child.
Or 3 more.
Or 3 more hands.
One this is certain, though, I do love this little guy.
He makes me smile.
And I can't believe that a year ago tomorrow, he'll be one.