Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Just Like That

Just like that.

The pregnancy that began in the first weeks of the old year is over.
The maternity leave that gloriously covered the best of the holidays is over.
Evan's fourth trimester. Over.
I'm exhausted.
And I'm sad.

I feel underwhelmed by my life at the office and overwhelmed by my life everywhere else.
I am tired. So very tired. So tired I can't sleep anymore.
When one child goes to bed for the night with a lovely snugly hug, sweet "I love you" and doesn't wake up until morning, the other is just beginning a 12 hour stretch of peek-a-sleep.

When I go out in the morning to warm up the car and move it closer to the house before loading my most precious passengers, I wonder if there will ever be a day when I "accidentally" back all the way down the driveway and find myself at Starbucks with a latte.
Alone.
Audrey still watching a video on my phone and Evan snoozing in his car seat in the den.

I mean, I love these babies to the moon and back.
So much it hurts a little bit sometimes.
But it sure is exhausting.
But it's a nice kind of exhausting. A peaceful kind of tired.
This is how it's supposed to be.

And it goes so fast.
It's going so fast.
Audrey is wearing big-girl underwear and taking herself to the bathroom.
She doesn't want to sit in her highchair and she can reach the table without it.
She's memorizing books and burping her baby-doll ever so gently.
She doesn't want us to sing our goodnight song to her anymore.
And when I close the door after she says "night night" from the twin bed (the one I slept in until college) that surrounds her tiny body, I pause for a minute and fight off tears.
In my mind I hum the song and hold her little body, wrapped in her pink blanket.
So many times I wished she would just get a little bit bigger so that... and now she is.

Just like that.

And then I turn my attention, my body, my sleepless nights, my worry, over to my new baby.
And I savor every single minute, every cry, every sigh.
Every bit of baby-ness that I can eek out of him, I do.
Because in just a few days, weeks, months, years it's going to be over.
And I know now that I'm going to miss it when it is.

Just like that.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

He's here! {duh}

I'm tired and in the middle of laundry and packing to head to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving, so I'm going to cut right to the chase on this one...

Unlike this overdue post, Baby Boy Erdel was not quite overdue on October 9th when I went into labor the day before I was scheduled for a repeat C-section. I believe it was induced by my dentist appointment earlier that morning. The hygienist telling me that I have signs of gingivitis really ticked me off. Or by the bacon I ate with my lunch. It was really good. Either way, it was for real and I managed the contractions all afternoon and evening. After we tucked Audrey into bed at MiMi and Poppy's and had one last date night, the pressure turned into pain and at about 1:30 in the morning, after no sleep at all, I showered, got Blake out of bed and decided that it was time to get things checked out. So, off we went to the hospital, bags and pillow in tow. The doctor on call (the same one who delivered Blake 32 years ago) confirmed my worst fears - not much progress. Like, 1centimeter. Which may as well have been negative 3 to me. Blake and I pretty quickly decided that the C-section that was scheduled for just a few hours later at 8am sounded like an option that was better than a long labor that may or may not end in surgery anyways. My regular doctor came in at 6am and agreed that, given my past history (long, induced labor with failure to progress and adverse reactions to an epidural), a C-section was still a good option. While I wasn't thrilled about having surgery again (I really had hoped that maybe labor would work the way it was supposed to this time) I was super excited to meet Baby Boy. See? Super excited.
The best part about a C-section compared to other major surgeries is that the fear of the surgery is outweighed by the excitement. I mean, I was happy to lose feeling in most of my body and hear the clinking of surgical tools. I felt elated (and a little loopy) as they prepped me. I made small talk with the anesthesiologist and laughed with my nurse. Not all of the surgery or the aftermath was glorious (like, I was so cold in the recovery room that they had to take the baby away from me and cover me with heating blankets and other details I will spare you), but, I'm quickly forgetting those details. I will never forget the most important detail though...
Evan Joseph Erdel! Born at 8:15am. Weighed 8lbs, 7oz and measured 21 inches long! Perfectly healthy and super cute. I love him. I was afraid that I wouldn't or couldn't because it was hard to imagine that I could have the same feelings for another person that I already have for Audrey. I wasn't sure my heart was big enough. But I do and it is and life is so good. Even at 3am. No, especially at 3am, when he is all mine.

I did this side-by side to show how much my two babies look alike, not to set them up for a fight for my heart. It's a draw, every time.

So, this holiday season, we are so thankful for all of our blessings. Thank you for reading and may you be blessed, too.

Kate

Monday, October 7, 2013

Be amused

 
I'm trying to find the humor and happiness in each day, despite the fact that 99% of the time I am thinking about 8am Thursday morning... the day/time that baby boy will be surgically evicted if he doesn't make a move before then. And the other 1% of the time? "Man, I have to pee."
 
These classic family photos sure help induce a smile. Labor though? I wish.
 
Enjoy!
 
Yes, those are my underwear.

Like father, like daughter.

Cousins at the pool!

Cool kids drink milk.

Toby is officially the best, most patient dog on the planet.

Friday, September 27, 2013

A Quick Letter to My Baby Girl

Dear Audrey,

Your life is about to change. Drastically. You are going to be a big sister! You are going to share your life, your home, our family, the good, the bad, the ugly with your new baby brother. You are going to have someone to play with, to fight with, to grow up with. Someone to teach and learn from. Someone to protect and to protect you. Someone to tease relentlessly and then defend to the death.

You are a wonderful little girl and daughter and you are going to be a super big sister. I just know it.

If you and your little brother have a relationship that is anything like the relationship that I had with my little brother growing up, things might be rough from time to time. He will embarrass you in front of your friends. He will tell stories about you that are both unfortunately true and fortunately not true. He will show you up by understanding fractions and decimal points long before you do. He will disrespect your dolls and ruin your big days. He will take your parents' attention when you need it most. He will frustrate you and make you cry. Many of these things will probably continue even into adulthood.

But, if you and your little brother have a relationship that is anything like the relationship that I have with my (not so) little brother, you and he will also go through things together that only siblings can share. And you will be glad that you have one another. He will respect you and look up to him and you will think he's really pretty neat deep down. Though I hope you never have to say goodbye to me or your dad at a young age, like my brother and I had to say goodbye to our mom, I am so glad that you will have someone to go through that experience with whenever it does happen because you will need someone who understands how you feel and why you feel like that. Only siblings can do that sometimes.

I know I'm going to love your baby brother, but I'm not sure otherwise how I'm going to feel about him. I guess I'll have to meet him first. But, I do know exactly how I feel about you. I love you to no end. You light up my life and make me want to be a better person. I am more proud to have you as my child at any given moment than I have ever been of all my other accomplishments combined. And, you are only a toddler! I know that you will continue to amaze me for years to come. If you are ever in doubt about just how much I love you, even when things are hard or your baby brother is distracting me from you, remember that I got to love you and only you for two whole years before I even knew your brother existed. You have an advantage :) We have a special relationship and I hope that never goes away, even as it changes.

I love you, my Audrey.

Always,
Mommy

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Still Standing

And still pregnant. But neither for very long! I'm scheduled for a repeat c-section on October 10th, so the days of this pregnancy are numbered. I figured I should get a quick post in before then, as lots of things have been happening in our little Erdel world!

Audrey is fantastic. She's the light of my world right now and I really have no idea how Baby Boy is ever going to compete with his big sister for an equal-sized peice of my heart. I'm told that it won't be a problem and that I'll love all of my children... I don't doubt it, it's just hard to imagine. Though she can be kind of terrible sometime, Audrey is mostly amazingly fun. She loves to cuddle, wants me to hold her and show her things and read to her. She loves to jump on the bed (at the same time as singing "no more monkeys jumping on the bed"), sleeps (all night long and) with her head touching the rails of her crib, likes to help clean and cook, prepares picnics for us and pretends to eat food. She asks for ice cream and mac & cheese for breakfast. She's learning and trying new things and now:

- Puts her own clothes on
- Counts to ten (though she regularly skips three)
- Sings a good portion of the ABCs
- Puts her head under water at the pool

She's just mostly a joy to be around and we are so blessed to have this happy, healthy little girl in our lives.

Baby Boy. Is still technically unnamed though we think we know what we will call him. Does that make sense? He's growing just fine and moving about regularly! I'm really excited to meet him. And really excited for this discomfort to to be over!

And, now, I'm tired. I should do some work.

Kate